I’ve been screaming this at everyone, especially my mother, my entire life!!! I was a high achiever yes because I could be but also because I was forced to be. I’ve always wanted a harmonious, simple life that makes me happy. Not one that sounds amazing at dinner parties or on a resume. When I lead yoga and meditation sessions, I emphasize “just breathe and be, your self, fully in the present moment”. It’s one of my guiding principles to just breathe and be. I’m so thrilled to read at least one other Black woman in this world feels the same sentiment 🫶🏾
Yes, that overachieving will literally quite make us sick and it’s not necessary to have a good life. Also, we get to define what good is anyway. I’m so happy you’re out here helping other people become more okay with just being. Flowers for you 💐💐
I’ve learned (w/ the help of my therapist) that a lot of my perfectionist tendencies stem from being raised by boomer/immigrant black parents who were raised on respectability politics as a means of survival. Which then lead them to raise my sister and I in the same way. It wasn’t until I got a little older and my brain fully developed that I even questioned if they could be wrong. Black excellence is exhausting and I’ve decided that I get to choose to live as I please. I’m excellent because I’m alive and trying and worthy of a good life.
Whew. This this this. As a recovering perfectionist, high-achiever, and people-pleaser, I spent way too much of my life trying to be exceptional while quite literally fighting for my life at times. Thank you for this.
One day I will be bold enough to write up and share "how I got over my blackness." Perhaps I need a less provocative title. We are programmed to follow the lead of our racial identity, an identity and expectation that was imposed upon us. A respectable expectation that will never change the minds we seek to change because we aren’t the ones with the problem. We are not the problem. Yet we put pressure on ourselves as if we are. We seek to be undeniably the best and for what? To make who happy? The infamous "they" will never be happy. I am a black woman. Proud to be so. But I lead with me.
RT!!! “But I lead with me” you just spoke a whole word. I like the provocative title, it’ll be a convo starter for sure. Let me know when you drop it so I can read it and share it 👌🏾
There is a space holder for it in my drafts, among many others. I’ve just been praying for discernment on the right moment. But it sounds like there is an audience ripe to receive it. It’s been in my spirit for years, as I learned this lesson my sophomore year in undergrad. The immediate liberation that everybody needs to know.
Thank you for this! Your thoughts about exceptionalism in our community as BW hit home for me, the timing of this release was needed. Really excited to read more of your work.
I’m glad it resonates! I had been having convos with folks about how I don’t want to be some superstar or big shot. I want to be satisfied and happy with me and who I am. I’m convinced that chasing exceptionalism or excellence to an extreme gets in the way of self-acceptance. I just want folks to realize that we can show up and do our best and that be just fine.
I saw so much of my own story reflected back in this piece. It’s important for all of us, especially Black women, to meditate on why we feel the need to be excellent. Just existing really is enough, thanks for the reminder.
"Just existing really is enough." 1000x over. I know that so many Black women feel the way I feel and it only felt write for me to put this piece out there. I hope it's becoming easier for you to lean into just being 🫶🏾
this resonated with me in so many ways. i am the eldest daughter and grandchild. all my life, i was and still am constantly reminded that everyone is watching me and that pressure to be exceptional is overwhelming-especially as a black woman. i don’t want to be exceptional or outstanding, i just want to be myself and whoever and whatever aligns with my purpose, shall be just that. i think that often times people feel like they have to be something and when they reflect on the why, they themselves are never included as the top priority. I am learning now that there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries, because i can only give what i have. And if everyone is constantly taking from me, what do i have to offer to myself ?
I am grateful for spaces/communities such as this one, because i am often reminded that I am not alone, and my thoughts are not only mine, and that there are likeminded persons who understand.
I'm so glad that this post found its way to you. I can only imagine the weight you've carried on your shoulders as the eldest daughter and grandchild. I am rooting for your journey in shedding other's expectations of you. You were not put on this earth to constantly serve others or embody their limited visions of you.
You are definitely not alone and I'm glad to be in community with you!
Oh my, girl this is my Black Girl Magic story, except I was number 1 in my class and cracked my 2nd year in college. Why because for the first time, I begin to experience failure which for me was bad or rock bottom, it was mediocrity and that was some version of my own personal hell. The pressure of maintaining this idea of what you should be and everyone looking to you, to be the one who do it can create a reality that we only value our individual selves by how great others believe us to be. This is when we first learn not love ourselves and to dwell in our flaws, our shortcomings, and hover over any feelings of failure that we may experience along the way. How do we free ourselves from this? Well, it is simply we simply learn the art of NOT Giving a F!ck.
Baybeehhhh! You said it ALL. I need to get you on my podcast when I finally get it off the ground. I’d love for you to spread that message FAR and WIDE!
Thanks Qubilah. Until recently, I believed that I could achieve perfection in certain areas of my life because that’s what people asked me to do. People have been asking women (especially black women) to not offend and to not make mistakes. Why? What is the point? Now that I realize their expectations are unrealistic, I just listen to them without judgment or fear. I wish the people who are demanding perfection from others would just relax. We could all be happier!
Exactly, what is the reason?! If everybody just accepted that we don't have to be perfect to be worthy, the world would be far less toxic. I'm sure of it. Keep showing them the way by rejecting perfectionism!
Wow this captured my school years so well. I was always striving to have the highest grades and pursued an engineering degree but lost my hair and had to fight blinding migraines in the process. In the end, not worth it and I’m slowly understanding what it means to let go of the perfectionism and listen to my body while trying to achieve my goals
I love that you are currently in the process of letting go of perfectionism. It’s truly live changing and giving. We don’t need to be perfect to live out our dreams and pursue our desires. Rooting for you!
Whew, thank you for putting into words what I've been feeling for awhile now! Growing up as an eldest daughter with a brother who was often in trouble, I found myself overcompensating, hoping to not add any additional burdens to my divorced parents. Up until a year or two ago, I didn't realize how big a role this played in how I was moving through the world even as an adult. I've had to reevaluate my goals and dreams for my life, removing the need to make everyone else's lives easier or better in some way. I am allowed to just be and to existent for myself. Such a freeing revelation 🤍
So freeing indeed. I'm glad that you've been doing the work so you can be free. Like we are not responsible for other people's expectations of us, so when we can finally accept that, our worlds open up so much more.
Thank you for this! I was just saying to a friend that there are so many ways I've worked to divest from these institutional frameworks. I went to art school and my favourite class was cultural anthropology.🙃 I was interested in indigenous expressions of gender, and worldviews operating outside of western gazes. While I still create works it's important that I move in a way that is body centered. I write based on feeling, a work of spirit, rather than focusing on if it's within appropriate form. When I apply to funding I write my proposals through indigenous lenses. Self naming is so important, our own versions of success and flow as well. We deserve rest, care and to celebrate simply for just being here.
You did leave me wondering what you decided to do after all of that external (and internal) pressure. I've seen some images with your hands in plants. Just lovely!
I LOVE that you are actively working in ways that feel most authentic to you. It truly is a radical act. We only get this one life in this form so we might as well live it out according to our own terms.
I currently work in the education finance space, but in recent years I have been connecting with my ancestors via plant knowledge and learning how to make plant medicine and grow food. I'm currently on a journey to homesteading/farming, and building out communal spaces for Black women. I'm determined to live my life on my own terms. I've interned on farms, enrolled in a beginner farmer program, and am currently seeking out more opportunities to connect with Black farmers/agrarians.
I’ve been screaming this at everyone, especially my mother, my entire life!!! I was a high achiever yes because I could be but also because I was forced to be. I’ve always wanted a harmonious, simple life that makes me happy. Not one that sounds amazing at dinner parties or on a resume. When I lead yoga and meditation sessions, I emphasize “just breathe and be, your self, fully in the present moment”. It’s one of my guiding principles to just breathe and be. I’m so thrilled to read at least one other Black woman in this world feels the same sentiment 🫶🏾
Yes, that overachieving will literally quite make us sick and it’s not necessary to have a good life. Also, we get to define what good is anyway. I’m so happy you’re out here helping other people become more okay with just being. Flowers for you 💐💐
I’ve learned (w/ the help of my therapist) that a lot of my perfectionist tendencies stem from being raised by boomer/immigrant black parents who were raised on respectability politics as a means of survival. Which then lead them to raise my sister and I in the same way. It wasn’t until I got a little older and my brain fully developed that I even questioned if they could be wrong. Black excellence is exhausting and I’ve decided that I get to choose to live as I please. I’m excellent because I’m alive and trying and worthy of a good life.
Amen!
Whew. This this this. As a recovering perfectionist, high-achiever, and people-pleaser, I spent way too much of my life trying to be exceptional while quite literally fighting for my life at times. Thank you for this.
You are so welcome. It’s a journey for sure 😮💨
Oh yes, this behavior definitely leads to people pleasing FOR SURE!
“There’s no glory in being drained”! Well said sis.
Thank you Oluwatobi. I have had to internalize that over and over and over so I don't overextend myself.
One day I will be bold enough to write up and share "how I got over my blackness." Perhaps I need a less provocative title. We are programmed to follow the lead of our racial identity, an identity and expectation that was imposed upon us. A respectable expectation that will never change the minds we seek to change because we aren’t the ones with the problem. We are not the problem. Yet we put pressure on ourselves as if we are. We seek to be undeniably the best and for what? To make who happy? The infamous "they" will never be happy. I am a black woman. Proud to be so. But I lead with me.
RT!!! “But I lead with me” you just spoke a whole word. I like the provocative title, it’ll be a convo starter for sure. Let me know when you drop it so I can read it and share it 👌🏾
There is a space holder for it in my drafts, among many others. I’ve just been praying for discernment on the right moment. But it sounds like there is an audience ripe to receive it. It’s been in my spirit for years, as I learned this lesson my sophomore year in undergrad. The immediate liberation that everybody needs to know.
Thank you for this! Your thoughts about exceptionalism in our community as BW hit home for me, the timing of this release was needed. Really excited to read more of your work.
I’m glad it resonates! I had been having convos with folks about how I don’t want to be some superstar or big shot. I want to be satisfied and happy with me and who I am. I’m convinced that chasing exceptionalism or excellence to an extreme gets in the way of self-acceptance. I just want folks to realize that we can show up and do our best and that be just fine.
I saw so much of my own story reflected back in this piece. It’s important for all of us, especially Black women, to meditate on why we feel the need to be excellent. Just existing really is enough, thanks for the reminder.
"Just existing really is enough." 1000x over. I know that so many Black women feel the way I feel and it only felt write for me to put this piece out there. I hope it's becoming easier for you to lean into just being 🫶🏾
this resonated with me in so many ways. i am the eldest daughter and grandchild. all my life, i was and still am constantly reminded that everyone is watching me and that pressure to be exceptional is overwhelming-especially as a black woman. i don’t want to be exceptional or outstanding, i just want to be myself and whoever and whatever aligns with my purpose, shall be just that. i think that often times people feel like they have to be something and when they reflect on the why, they themselves are never included as the top priority. I am learning now that there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries, because i can only give what i have. And if everyone is constantly taking from me, what do i have to offer to myself ?
I am grateful for spaces/communities such as this one, because i am often reminded that I am not alone, and my thoughts are not only mine, and that there are likeminded persons who understand.
I'm so glad that this post found its way to you. I can only imagine the weight you've carried on your shoulders as the eldest daughter and grandchild. I am rooting for your journey in shedding other's expectations of you. You were not put on this earth to constantly serve others or embody their limited visions of you.
You are definitely not alone and I'm glad to be in community with you!
Oh my, girl this is my Black Girl Magic story, except I was number 1 in my class and cracked my 2nd year in college. Why because for the first time, I begin to experience failure which for me was bad or rock bottom, it was mediocrity and that was some version of my own personal hell. The pressure of maintaining this idea of what you should be and everyone looking to you, to be the one who do it can create a reality that we only value our individual selves by how great others believe us to be. This is when we first learn not love ourselves and to dwell in our flaws, our shortcomings, and hover over any feelings of failure that we may experience along the way. How do we free ourselves from this? Well, it is simply we simply learn the art of NOT Giving a F!ck.
Baybeehhhh! You said it ALL. I need to get you on my podcast when I finally get it off the ground. I’d love for you to spread that message FAR and WIDE!
Thanks Qubilah. Until recently, I believed that I could achieve perfection in certain areas of my life because that’s what people asked me to do. People have been asking women (especially black women) to not offend and to not make mistakes. Why? What is the point? Now that I realize their expectations are unrealistic, I just listen to them without judgment or fear. I wish the people who are demanding perfection from others would just relax. We could all be happier!
Exactly, what is the reason?! If everybody just accepted that we don't have to be perfect to be worthy, the world would be far less toxic. I'm sure of it. Keep showing them the way by rejecting perfectionism!
Wow this captured my school years so well. I was always striving to have the highest grades and pursued an engineering degree but lost my hair and had to fight blinding migraines in the process. In the end, not worth it and I’m slowly understanding what it means to let go of the perfectionism and listen to my body while trying to achieve my goals
I love that you are currently in the process of letting go of perfectionism. It’s truly live changing and giving. We don’t need to be perfect to live out our dreams and pursue our desires. Rooting for you!
Whew, thank you for putting into words what I've been feeling for awhile now! Growing up as an eldest daughter with a brother who was often in trouble, I found myself overcompensating, hoping to not add any additional burdens to my divorced parents. Up until a year or two ago, I didn't realize how big a role this played in how I was moving through the world even as an adult. I've had to reevaluate my goals and dreams for my life, removing the need to make everyone else's lives easier or better in some way. I am allowed to just be and to existent for myself. Such a freeing revelation 🤍
So freeing indeed. I'm glad that you've been doing the work so you can be free. Like we are not responsible for other people's expectations of us, so when we can finally accept that, our worlds open up so much more.
Thank you for this! I was just saying to a friend that there are so many ways I've worked to divest from these institutional frameworks. I went to art school and my favourite class was cultural anthropology.🙃 I was interested in indigenous expressions of gender, and worldviews operating outside of western gazes. While I still create works it's important that I move in a way that is body centered. I write based on feeling, a work of spirit, rather than focusing on if it's within appropriate form. When I apply to funding I write my proposals through indigenous lenses. Self naming is so important, our own versions of success and flow as well. We deserve rest, care and to celebrate simply for just being here.
You did leave me wondering what you decided to do after all of that external (and internal) pressure. I've seen some images with your hands in plants. Just lovely!
I LOVE that you are actively working in ways that feel most authentic to you. It truly is a radical act. We only get this one life in this form so we might as well live it out according to our own terms.
I currently work in the education finance space, but in recent years I have been connecting with my ancestors via plant knowledge and learning how to make plant medicine and grow food. I'm currently on a journey to homesteading/farming, and building out communal spaces for Black women. I'm determined to live my life on my own terms. I've interned on farms, enrolled in a beginner farmer program, and am currently seeking out more opportunities to connect with Black farmers/agrarians.